Bisexuality Among Men

In an episode of The Good Place, one of the more popular shows of the past few years, the main character declares, “More men should be bi. It’s 2018.” It seems that bisexual has become a label associated almost exclusively with women, but why? I believe the most accurate answer would be that, for men, queerness represents a loss of social privilege that is not the same for women. For men, being with another man is a sacrifice, a loss that cannot be taken back.

Women, on the other hand, are assumed to have less to lose for having romantic and sexual relationships with other women. Some people even think that women “experiment” on purpose for (male) attention, which is a laughable idea in a society where people are still disowned, beaten, ostracized, and worse for being queer.

Nevertheless, when bisexuality is perceived as experimentation and an impermanent label, women have more leeway to walk that divide. But men aren’t allowed to “experiment” with other men. When a man gives up the social privilege afforded by being straight, there’s seemingly no going back, so he has crossed that divide for good. This phenomenon is tied to the inextricable link between sexuality and gender and the reason why girls can be “tomboys” while men are not allowed to experiment with femininity; women “trying on” the social privilege of masculinity is fine, while men are forbidden from “lowering themselves” to femininity. Likewise, the feminization of queerness “soils” masculinity for good.

Many queer spaces struggle with those who believe that bisexual men with female (or even perceived-as-female) partners don’t “count” as queer. There is a rejection from both sides: heterosexual society believes the man is lying about his love for the woman because he’s gay, and queer society (at least, some groups within it) believes he’s lying about his queerness because he’s in a “straight” relationship.

The fact of the matter is that many people cannot comprehend the capability of being attracted to multiple genders, namely because they perceive two genders as two entirely different worlds. The truth, of course, is that gender is a boiling soup and we are all the frogs who’ve been sitting dumbly in the water as the temperature rose. Thus, I listen to the advice of Eleanor Shellstrop: “It’s 2018. Get over yourselves.”