Toxic Masculinity is Learned

https://twitter.com/DaddyFiles/status/1054527579204530176

It might not come as a surprise to anyone in this class to learn that toxic masculinity is a learned trait, usually learned from parents. However, it's always disappointing to see it surface within a kindergarten class.
On the flip side, it's always amazing to see parents, especially fathers, teaching tolerance and accepting their kids for who they are. Even/especially if those kids have dualities that include loving both stereotypical boy activities (fishing) and stereotypical girl activities (painting one's nails)

Young Boys and Being Told to "Man up"

(/https://indianexpress.com/article/parenting/family/parenting-gender-toxic-masculinity-5423440/)

The link takes you to an article that talks about why we should not tell young sons to "be a man". I feel this is something that needs to be talked about more. Everywhere young boys I'm sure are being told not only by their fathers but mothers also that are basically grooming them to be emotionless robots in the future. Like the article states we must let our sons express their full range of emotions. Like with daughters they can cry, be vulnerable, be upset and no one tells them to grow up or man up. I believe that if we taught our sons that expressing themselves and not keeping all these negative emotions inside and only being aggressive things in the world could possibly be very different.

Men And Cheating

I was searching the word masculinity like how we did for the first assignment but this time I wanted to try masculinity and advertising. When I came across this image I knew I had to post it. I feel that the almost acceptable behavior of men cheating is getting out of control. When a woman cheats on her husband she is called a slut and whore and accused of destroying the family. When a man does it I have seen people look to wife and say "well if she was making the man happy at home he wouldn't have strayed. I think this makes no sense because if the man is unhappy and cheats why can’t the woman be given the same excuse. Now I am in no way defending cheaters because I think they are all awful, but we can’t try people differently for virtually the same crime. Seeing this article mad me so mad because like stated above if an article with a that had all the typical marketing tactics to women said "cheat on your boyfriend, not your workout" there would be huge out cry of what are we teaching our children specifically little girls. However, I am sure looking at this article would generate laughs and tons of people defending this article which would include not only men but women also. There would not be in my opinion as many women defending the article if I was targeting women and men I assume would have had a lot to say about it.

Masculinity in the Gay Community

(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2902177/)

The provided link will take you to a study that focuses on how masculinity influences the LGBT community- namely, how it effects gay men. 

“Societal conceptions of masculinity affect the self-image and relationships of many gay men…” (Sanchez, Greenberg, Liu, and Vilian, Reported Effects of Masculine Ideals on Gay Men)

In the gay community, there are many men who embody traditional masculine ideals. Often times paired with the drive to become a vision of machoism is the hatred of effeminate gay men. This is likely due to the ridiculous notion that men who inspire to be masculine cannot, or rather should not, be feminine. 

Here is a personal story from my second-hand experience with the matter:

I was participating in one of those semi-forced/semi-enjoyable work functions where one of your coworkers holds you socially hostage for a few hours and you go, even if only to build a sense of comradery with your coworkers. I went with good friend and coworker, accurately dubbed ‘broworker’. My broworker is a proud, effeminate gay man. 

He and I had been talking for weeks in anticipation of my doing his makeup for the first time in his life. He said that was excited at the idea of 'being able to express himself through another creative outlet'. Before the work-party, he and I met up and I did his makeup for the first time. When I was finished, he absolutely loved it. He screamed, he hugged me, and he took pictures. He even mentioned being excited to stunt on our other coworkers with his new look. 

When we got to the party, however, his entire mood shifted. He visibly wilted, like a flower. He exhibited a continuous lack of confidence until it digressed to such a point that he was dabbing the makeup off of his face while crying in the bathroom. I asked him privately what originally made him start to spiral and his response was deeply sad. “I didn’t want him to judge me, and I knew he already was the moment he saw the makeup on my face.” 

The ‘him’ that he was talking about was another coworker, who we saw at the work-party. This coworker was your traditional masculine gay man, like the study linked above discusses. I didn’t understand why my broworker was worried about the opinion of this other person, so I asked why he thought he was being judged. His response was along the lines of “some gay men don’t like how other gay men represent themselves- they think it’s harmful to the portrayed image of gay men”. 

That… doesn’t even make sense. There is no right way or wrong way to be gay, and there is no room for that kind of judgement in a community that tirelessly teaches us to accept and celebrate the differences of all people. This is not to say that it is wrong to be a gay man who embodies traditional masculine ideals- it’s not. Do your thing, but also encourage others to do theirs as well. Encouragement is a powerful tool.

The study was interesting to read because it focused on how masculinity effects gay men, and provides valuable scientific insight on the topic. I do recommend it, if you have the time.

Thank you for reading.

Mad Men

So I just started watching Mad Men for the first time (I know, I'm late.) One of my hobbies is collecting old Playboys from the 1960s-70s, and it's amusing to see that in the show, the main characters are the men who come up with the type of ads that I always see in these magazines.
Nothing about these advertisements or the blatant sexism I see happening in this show surprise me. Not going to lie, it hurts a little to watch, but it's unsurprising. I got curious and started looking up different websites to see what people thought. I came across this article that I found kind of amusing:

http://flavorwire.com/514570/mad-mens-workplace-sexism-is-less-tiresome-than-dons-endless-misogyny

Author of the article Seltzer notices that men tend to say that their behavior on the show is outlandish and unrealistic, while women are saying that not only is it realistic, but the harassment is still happening. From personal experience, it absolutely still happens; just (thankfully) more frowned upon in professional settings now.

Listen To America

https://youtu.be/H47Ly5fVn94

This is a link talks more about Drag Kings in the entertainment industry. I found this really interesting and wanted to know more because I had never heard of Drag King's before this class. I agree that Drag Kings don't have the exposure that Drag Queens have and I think that should change. Drag Queens can make six figures a year while Drag Kings are ignored or not heard of.

Is Toxic Masculinity a Mask for Anxiety? by Ruth C. White

Is Toxic Masculinity a Mask for Anxiety? by Ruth C. White

Originally published in Transformation on OpenDemocracy:

The widespread discussion of sexual harassment and what is being defined as 'toxic masculinity' leads to questions about what it is in the ways in which we are raising young boys that would make so many of them (though definitely not all) grow up to believe that sex is theirs for the taking, and that consent is an undefined state that is theirs to manipulate and interpret as they see fit.

"Allowing boys the freedom to be who they are without defining such behaviors as masculine or feminine will decrease the cognitive dissonance and emotional stress that so many men feel as they try to navigate changing social norms. Encouraging expressions of emotionality such as tears — whether of joy or sadness — will reduce the stress of stifling emotions that often are expressed in less healthy ways such as violence. Encouraging boys to talk about their feelings will help them build social support networks that go beyond typical ways of 'male bonding.'"

Sexual Harassment at Foxtail Coffee

Foxtail Accepts Resignation of COO

Something that many students in Orlando have already heard about; the COO of Foxtail has just resigned due to sexual harassment claims from a long time employee. This article describes that the employee tweeted:

"I reported the COO of the company I was at for sexual harassment. I was told to accept an apology that I felt would not be sincere. I was left for a couple weeks to still work with this person and feel even more uncomfortable then I did when I could just laugh off his comments. Then when I reported I was still uncomfortable and I would be giving my notice to not work with this person I was told to just not come back, leaving me out the salary that I would have collected."  

The article also stated that she was "blamed for 'rallying' other members of the staff to leave" and that two other employees have since left because of the hostile environment.

I have multiple friends and people I follow on social media who are closely tied to this event and its heartbreaking to read how helpless they have felt up until this point. There didn't seem to be any hope for accountability in the company as all the upper management had turned a blind eye to the harassment. I'm so relieved that this brave woman has received some form of justice in the resignation of her harasser. Stories like this always make you think, how many other instances of sexual harassment are going on in other big companies, chains, and local businesses that haven't been reported? How much longer are men going to be able to use their power to subjugate and silence the women they're harassing? I hope that the strength of this woman can help continue this wave of calling out abusers.

America wants to discredit masculine black men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_UuH3n9pgE

I came across this YouTube video of rapper Lord Jamar giving his thoughts about black masculinity in America. It's an interesting video because as he spoke I found myself agreeing with some of his points, but others are completely against my opinions.

He thinks America consistently wants to paint men of color in a negative light, which I do agree with much of the time. He mentions Eric Garner and Mike Brown, both victims of police brutality. I can agree that there is a huge problem there.

However, he also mentions "catcalling videos". What does that have to do with black men? Why would men be the victims in that circumstance at all? He also discusses Bill Cosby, and basically stating that he is only in jail because America wants to tear down the vision of a black man being a wholesome, strong, family-man type. I find that distressing, as it seems as though he wants us to ignore his injustices and the pain of women just because he is a "good family man."

Just thought it was something I'd share, since it seems to fit in with our recent studies of hypermasculinity and sexism in hip-hop.

Toxic masculinity at a sports bar

Toxic masculinity is so toxic it poisons men themselves. At my job as a hostess, I’m required to open the door for everyone that is leaving. The insane thing is how many men get mad at this. They say, “It’s ridiculous that they make you open the door for us.” They even try to trick us by saying that they’re just going to the bathroom and then make a run for the door to get it for themselves. Women always just call it great customer service. Men either take it as an emasculation or an opportunity to flirt with us. Working at a sports restaurant/bar already means that the testosterone is running high, with men constantly screaming at the TVs when their team wins/loses. They yell for everything. They display hegemonic masculinity constantly, asserting their dominance whenever they can over us as hostesses or servers (there’s only two male servers in the whole place). The first night I worked there, a drunk man grabbed my hand and kissed it, and then proceeded to say “nothing bad happened” when my manager came to kick him out. The managers, despite all being men, are on our side. One of my managers is much younger than the rest, and I think him being a millennial is one of the reasons why he’s so proactive in making sure that all of us are protected. Another one of my managers said if someone grabbed me anywhere, I could “slug them” and he would escort them right out. Still, working there has made me notice even more that this culture of toxic masculinity poisons men themselves. Even if I was at the mall, I would hold the door for the people behind me because it’s common courtesy to me. But every time I put my hands on that door handle, men feel this slight emasculation, because it’s ingrained in their brains that to be a man, to be masculine, they have to complete actions like opening the door for women. It’s just one of many examples of how hegemonic masculinity dominates a man’s life if they really want to be considered the stereotype of masculinity. 

Breaking News: Being a Responsible Father is Now Not Masculine

http://www.dailyedge.ie/chris-evans-piers-morgan-4288504-Oct2018/

In a growing list of things (such as umbrellas, phone cases, red/rose gold iPhones, baths, juice, candles, coats, listening to John Legend, finding gay girls attractive, finding themselves attractive, thinking your eyes look good, etc.) that men can no longer do or have and still be considered masculine, they can no longer hold their children. Especially out in public.

Toxic masculinity has a long history of taking things away from men, usually simple pleasures. However, posts like the one by Piers Morgan crosses the line in a new way. Even if it's just trolling, he's not just saying that Daniel Craig is less than a man because he's enjoying something feminine. He's saying Craig is less than a man because he's a father and participating in his child's life. He's shaming Craig for taking responsibility for his baby and loving his baby, for wanting to bring his child out in the world with him. And in a time when too many men are already unwilling to do so, we certainly don't need anyone famous reassuring those men that taking a step away from childcare is the right thing to do.

Blurred lines...of sexual assault

This past week we talked about rap and hip hop songs, and how incredibly degrading they can be to women. It teaches young men that women can and like to be treated like sluts, essentially. This really resonates in today's society because we have a president that says things like "grab em by the pussy" and has affairs with porn stars and acts like all of this is perfectly acceptable. I'm not saying that everyone has to be perfect, but I do believe that people in power, especially our president, should be held to a higher standard. This is already true in women with power. How they conduct themselves outside of work is just as important as how they conduct themselves at work. Shouldn't men be held to the same standard? But, I digress...

I thought a lot about the music I listen to and how even from a young age I sang these songs without even fully realizing what they all meant. I remember growing up and listening to Christina Aguilera, and she came out with a song called "Dirty". People were calling her a slut because she talked about wanting and enjoying sex. Another song was by Jessica Simpson called "Sweetest Sin," also about sex. People were flabbergasted. They were supposed to be role models and they were women talking about enjoying sex! The blasphemy! However, men- especially rappers, can talk about sleeping with multiple women in one night, violence against women, and sexual assault and that's fine because "boys will be boys?" I'm not having it.

Here is a song I have always hated, and here is why.

https://youtu.be/yyDUC1LUXSU

Robin Thicke "Blurred Lines"

In this song, he sings "I hate these blurred lines, I know you want it, I hate them lines, I know you want it, I hate them lines, I know you want it, But you're a good girl, The way you grab me, Must wanna get nasty, Go ahead, get at me."

Let's discuss. Does he really hate them blurred lines, or just he just want to know for sure he can take you home so he doesn't have to waste anymore time and/or money on you? Also, this is basically sexual assault. I have actually had men say to me several different times they could tell I wanted it. I guess its common enough to make a whole song out of it. As a woman, if you tell me I want it, even if I did, I now don't want it even a little bit. When he said "the way you grab me, must wanna get nasty" is nasty. Can a girl dance with a guy and even touch him without wanting sex? Yes, the answer is yes in case people don't know. Men assuming things can definitely lead to sexual assault. In the song Thicke is also talking about getting drunk and "blasted." How does this song end? If she is blasted, she probably cant give consent.

There are so many songs like this out there, and it allows men to blame rape on "blurred lines" and the ability to blame how they were having fun and drinking together so she must have wanted it.

Just because the lines are blurry does not mean the lines don't exist. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Keep Ya Head Up

Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holla to my sisters on welfare
2Pac cares if don't nobody else care
And I know they like to beat you down a lot
When you come around the block, brothers clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive, but don't forget, girl, keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nothing, don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you, you should leave him
'Cause, sister, you don't need him
And I ain't trying to gas ya up, I just call 'em how I see 'em
You know what makes me unhappy? When brothers make babies and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up?
I know you're fed up, ladies, but keep your head up

Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things are gonna get easier
Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things'll get brighter
Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things are gonna get easier
Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things'll get brighter

Ayo, I remember Marvin Gaye used to sing to me
He had me feeling like black was the thing to be
And suddenly the ghetto didn't seem so tough
And though we had it rough, we always had enough
I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules
Ran with the local crew and had a smoke or two
And I realize momma really paid the price
She nearly gave her life to raise me right
And all I had to give her was my pipe dream
Of how I'd rock the mic and make it to the bright screen
I'm trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents
It's hard to be legit and still pay the rent
And in the end it seems I'm heading for the pen
I try to find my friends, but they're blowing in the wind
Last night my buddy lost his whole family
It's gonna take the man in me to conquer this insanity
It seems the rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up and still keep from getting wet up
You know, it's funny, when it rains it pours
They got money for wars but can't feed the poor
Say there ain't no hope for the youth
And the truth is it ain't no hope for the future
And then they wonder why we crazy
I blame my mother for turning my brother into a crack baby
We ain't meant to survive, 'cause it's a set-up
And even though you're fed up
Huh, you got to keep your head up

Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things are gonna get easier
Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things'll get brighter
Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things are gonna get easier
Keep ya head up, ooh, child
Things'll get brighter

And uh, to all the ladies having babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feeling all alone
Daddy's long gone and he left you by your lonesome
Thank the Lord for my kids even if nobody else want 'em
'Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more
'Cause ain't nothing worse than when your son
Wants to know why his daddy don't love him no mo'
You can't complain you was dealt this
Hell of a hand without a man, feeling helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While tears is rolling down your cheeks
You steady hoping things don't fall down this week
'Cause if it did, you couldn't take it
And don't blame me, I was given this world, I didn't make it
And now my son's getting older and older and colder
From having the world on his shoulders
While the rich kids is driving Benz
I'm still trying to hold on to surviving friends
And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up
But please, you got to keep your head up

 Writer(s): ROGER TROUTMAN, TUPAC AMARU SHAKUR, STAN VINCENT, DARYL L. ANDERSON 

A "Scary" Time

A response to the current talk about it being a "scary" time for boys and men in light of the Kavanaugh hearings. Thoughts?

Cause: Rap Music

https://www.thecrimson.com/column/where-rap-meets-race/article/2018/2/27/whererapmeetsrace-installment2/

This article expresses the change from rap music being taboo to popular. The problem is the underlying misogynistic tones and hypersexualization of women. These lyrics had proven to have a negative impact on wellbeing according to the "Demographic Research." The article strives for rappers to make a change in the music they produce but I also think it needs to call upon the consumer to stop supporting these messages. As consumers, we have to power to make a change with what we buy, because if the rap industry began to lose money on this they would stop producing this imagery.

Violence Against Women -- It's A Men's Issue

Violence Against Women -- It's A Men's Issue

The TED talk above highlights the responsibilities men hold in taking accountability, policing other men, and preventing violence against women. As the speaker Jackson Katz discusses, when men hear the topic of "gender issues", they immediately assume that to not pertain to them as they are the dominant group and don't have issues to be addressed.

A very prolific point Katz makes is:
"This is one of the ways that dominant systems maintain and reproduce themselves, which is to say the dominant group is rarely challenged to even think about its dominance, because that's one of the key characteristics of power and privilege, the ability to go unexamined, lacking introspection, in fact being rendered invisible, in large measure, in the discourse about issues that are primarily about us. And this is amazing how this works in domestic and sexual violence, how men have been largely erased from so much of the conversation about a subject that is centrally about men."

I'm usually very weary about consuming media pertaining to women from white men, as they inherently aren't able to speak on the subject authentically. However, as violence against women IS a men's issue, I wanted to see what Katz would have to say on it and I was pleasantly surprised on how respectfully and eloquently addressed the subject.

WHY WOMEN STAY SILENT AFTER SEXUAL ASSAULT

Hello everyone!

In light of the recent news, I thought this Ted Talk was relevant and insightful. Not to get too political, but if anyone watched the Ford and Kavanaugh testimonies last week, you are familiar with his gross display of aggressive entitlement. There are many layers in this topic, but I think masculinity is one of them.

Why Women Stay Silent After Sexual Assault