a blog created by and for UCF (University of Central Florida) Theories of Masculinity students to share experiences, resources/links, articles/reviews, to rouse discussion and incite action, and engage issues related to masculinity. you should participate, too. email moderator for permission at Leandra@ucf.edu.
Monday, November 12, 2018
I'm Uncomfortable
I'm 24 years old and have had a lot of annoying dating woes. My first long-term boyfriend had untreated depression and often took that out on me. He gas lighted me often, way before I ever knew what that was, and because of my experience with him I am hyper aware of how other men treat me. There are many things I do not tolerate and I'm often told that I'm "too picky". I disagree. I call that loving myself. Anyway, I was seeing someone recently and when he wanted to hang out he rarely gave me the option of saying no. He would say something like "You have the option of seeing me on Friday or Saturday". I didn't love that because I felt trapped. I felt like I had to pick one of those days. Even though I could have said no, for whatever reason, he made me feel like that wasn't an option. I mulled this over for a while wondering whether I was reading into that too much or if my discomfort was valid. I felt like this was a moment where he, as a man, felt entitled to me. He often said things that made me uncomfortable as someone that was not dating him. He never once asked my permission to say any of the things he said and he also assumed we were going to date in the near future. I still struggle with whether or not my feelings about this are valid. I don't believe he was doing anything to purposefully make my uncomfortable. He just had an air of superiority over me. Consent within a relationship, regardless of what kind of relationship and activity, is important. I've had this experience with many men where they say whatever they want without checking to see if I'm okay with that first. Sometimes they are super inappropriate and I have to wonder when someone told them it was okay to do that. Other times it's been as innocent as "you have the option of seeing me Friday or Saturday". I did not give my consent to seeing him and he assumed that he had it. I think this post might just be the ramblings of me trying to figure this out and I apologize for that. To make a long story short, the theme of this post is "Consent, in all forms, is important".
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