Learnt Love

Growing up around boys and having my father more active in my life than my mother. My father was introduced to feminist ideas but never fully expanded in any research on the subject. I believe he wanted to raise me as an independent woman, but his dominance oppressed me and as a 25-year-old I am trying to find my own voice, path, confidence.

I am and always will be a “daddy’s girl” but am hurt by the ignorance inside of his masculinity. I recall arguing with my father after my mom left. Everything I did he compared me to her. I was always confused why she left, but now I get it. He’s controlling. It hurts me to admit because I love him so much and his ignorance was from a lack of knowledge. His idea and plan were always the best. Disagreements turned to arguments and insults. He yelled so much, I was always scared to disagree or ask to go out with my friends. He rather me stay home with him and argue more. He was over protective to the point it was controlling. Arguments wasn’t over until he ended them, and he would not let me, or anyone, leave the room. I had to win the argument if I wanted my way and I would try to yell back, but it felt like I was being disrespectful. I learned to be passive, but there were times I fight back. He always apologized, and I would almost forget everything that hurt me. That’s what I did, I try to forget, but I can’t forget. He bad mouth other women and it hurt me. He’d say things like, “she thinks she cute but she’s really chubby” or refer to he’s woman friends as “bitches”. He said he’d never would call me a bitch, but he forgets the called me a “dumb bitch” when I was 10. I can’t ignore the impact this had on me, but I can’t forget. He demanded respect but failed to know how to respect other, especially women. I had to get him to understand the double standard between me and my brothers. My brothers would get violent, so he left them alone after a certain age. I never got violent, but I had to yell and cry to get him to see my frustrations from being the “baby girl”.

When I turned 18 I wanted to act like a man more than ever, I became mean to guys, and my dad. Me dad said he couldn’t live with me anymore because we argued so much, so I was left alone. The closes person to me hurt me and loved me the most. I thought that was love so I would date guys that acted the same, but I tried to change to limit disagreement, fights, and being left. My father realized his problems but did not know what to do. I love that he try’s, but I wish that he knew better then, like I knows better now. With the knowledge accumulated from my lessons in college I have less arguments with him. I learnt to communicate what gender is and why feminism matters. I believe masculinity can be revised, or unlearned, but I wish guys did have to wait until they have a daughter to realize all women deserve love and respect.