Healthy Masculinity: Redefining What It Means to Be Masculine by Taneasha White, published in PsychCentral on November 2, 2021.
*trigger warning for s-xual assault and r-pe.
In 2016, Donald Trump was elected president. All I could think about was the grotesque audio of him speaking to Billy Bush about women and his sexual conquests with them: “You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the p---y. You can do anything” (2016). Not once does Bush object to the lewd comments being made, and when this audio was leaked, many dismissed the actions on account of simple “locker-room” talk. Society has not only rationalized but excused men’s objectification of and domination over the female body in casual conversation because “boys will be boys.” In her section on masculinity, Susan Shaw and Janet Lee write “In mainstream contemporary U.S. society, the “regimes of truth” associated with masculinity… revolve around potent sexuality and an affinity for violence: the machismo element. Machismo involves breaking rules, sexual potency contextualized in the blending of sex and violence, and contempt for women and femininity (misogyny)” (104). When men are not held accountable and continuously rewarded for, or in spite of, their detrimental socialized masculine qualities, they are emboldened to continue with their ways, growing more comfortable and powerful in their privilege.
Your Friends and Neighbors, a 1998 film, explores this masculinity and how it is referenced in conversations between men. In the film, three men discuss their sexual lives while three women do the same, however, what we're left with is a brutal and tormented depiction of sexual isolation. One of the toughest scenes to watch exemplifies this, as one character Cary, the most sexually deviant who consistently focuses on sex and is verbally violent to the women he wants to have sex with, describes his “best f-ck,” a question frequently asked throughout the movie. He details a time in his senior year of high school when he and his male friends gang- r-ped a boy named Tommy, though Cary claims that as he went last, he felt Tommy and him share a special connection. His two “friends” listening to this story, though shocked, do not express any outrage or disgust at Cary’s actions, simply describing it as an incredible story. The film, written and directed by Neil LaBute, showcases the toxic machismo ideals in men and how freely they are expressed amongst other men. Cary is never held accountable and is actually praised for his despicable notions of sex and dominance over women, and even men in regards to sex. While the film does operate as a hyperbolic immortality tale, it isn’t too hard to suspend your disbelief about the disturbing ways men can communicate about women and sexual politics.
But what about the general state of male communication? What do men talk about and how do they talk to each other? Well, I decided to get into the personal and ask my boyfriend some questions about what he's observed from his own experiences with male friends. He stated “I feel like a lot of male friendships in my eyes don’t involve a lot of meta-analyses. They don’t talk about their relationship, they just kind of exist together and I feel like, without that kind of space to talk and set boundaries, it feels like it's almost devoid of a safe place to talk. You don’t wanna start that conversation because of the toxic masculinity fear of talking about emotions, for me, that feels present. That looming feeling of ‘don’t step out of line’.”
If men don’t feel comfortable speaking about anything confrontational for fear of being ostracized by those who uphold the status quo, then they simply won’t and important conversations will be left unsaid. And this is a tremendous shame. Men, for the sake of themselves and greater society, should be able to engage in genuine and honest friendships that challenge them to be better people. Men deserve healthy friendships.
In an article for The Atlantic titled The Power of Intimacy in Male Friendships, Julie Beck interviews two friends to discuss the significance of their relationship. In one installment, Mitchell talks about his friendship with another man named Judo, stating: “I get so much out of our friendship because I am challenged by the contents of our conversation; I’m challenged by the way you choose to think about a problem. I’m challenged by the things that you expose me to.” To challenge your friends, not only in their sexual politics but in everyday life, enriches both people's capacity for empathy and human connection. But, men are not taught to do this. This sort of relationship is not being cultivated or encouraged among young men and what we are left with is a man like Donald Trump, accused of 26 counts of sexual misconduct, being elected President of the United States.
Why does society choose to excuse disturbing male behavior in conversations with other men when instead we could be accentuating accountability and championing positive male friendships. This emphasizes why feminism is not solely meant to benefit women, but also men, creating a world where women are safe to live, and men are safe to talk.
Sources
Trump recorded having extremely lewd conversation about women in 2005
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-recorded-having-extremely-lewd-conversation-about-women-in-2005/2016/10/07/3b9ce776-8cb4-11e6-bf8a-3d26847eeed4_story.html
How 1 Friend Can Change the Course of Your Life
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/06/intimacy-male-friendship-change-life/619290/
The 26 women who have accused Trump of sexual misconduct
https://www.businessinsider.com/women-accused-trump-sexual-misconduct-list-2017-12
Gendered Voices, Feminist Visions: Classic and Contemporary Readings
Susan M. Shaw, Janet Lee
