My partner and I are your standard American male/female couple. We have
been following the classically assigned gender roles to this point in our
relationship. He asked me out first, we have followed a contemporary dating
schedule like most American couples. He brings me flowers and pays for dinner. We
have been dating for 18 months. About 8 months into our dating, he was the
first to say I love you. It wasn’t the most romantic of declarations, but I was
happy to hear the words as I just wasn’t going to say it first!
Throughout the next few months we discussed our future and we threw
around the m-word; marriage. It became a cute joke between us to not really say
that word, but find creative ways to talk about it, without using the correct
language. We would talk about alternate realities instead. The next step was
his to make also. I waited patiently for him to take that leap. I certainly was
not going to be one to propose. I never even considered it. I dropped hints, I
left pictures of rings I liked “just lying around”. I was hoping he would get
the idea! All my fantasies as a girl revolved around these next steps.
I felt a little sorry for him at this point in our relationship. We as
women, put a lot of pressure on men to “get it right” with our proposals and
our rings. It seems that they are responsible for fulfilling the high expectations
we have built up over years of romantic comedies, Facebook and Pintrest. This
seems to a place in our culture where the traditional gender roles have not
shifted at all. It seems to be a stark place where it seen as acceptable to be
staunchly traditional, even encouraged! It would seem emasculating for a woman
to pop the question to a man.
The day finally came, and I found my self staring at a man on one knee,
with a pretty blue box in his hands. It had the most gorgeous, perfect ring I
could imagine, even though I was looking at it upside down in the ring box. I
had a pita bread chip full of hummus in my mouth, and all I heard was gasps and
giggles behind me and a woman at the Hummus House lunch counter say, “Is he proposing?!?”
He sure was. He said my full
name and asked me to marry him while turning the box right side up. I had
prepared for this moment with a sentence or two before saying yes, but I was
caught by surprise, so I quickly put down my pita chip, turned toward my best
friend who had gone to lunch with us that day and said “ok, this is a happening!”.
She was just as shocked. There he was though, looking at me almost terrified
waiting for the one word he needed to hear. It just doesn’t get any more classically
gendered than this moment right here.
I was finally able to get out the words, “yes, it will always be yes” I
said. He was relieved, people in the restaurant cheered and clapped. He took
the ring and put it on ring finger. It was a perfect fit! We kissed and giggled
and finished our lunch.
Over the last few weeks, I have been deeply
entrenched in a new world of wedding planning. I am lucky enough to have a
partner who seems like he wants to be involved in our wedding day celebration. Granted,
he rather skip the wedding altogether. He wants to be married, not get
married. It seems he has finished his traditional gender role by proposing. Now
the rest falls on me. Men are excluded somewhat from this next part. The expectation
is that now he must “survive” the wedding planning process. One quick google
search will bring up articles on just that subject! This will be where we part
with tradition. I will be asking for his
help and input into our wedding day. He isn’t getting off quite that easy. This
will be a joint venture. After all, it’s his wedding too!
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