Performances of gender are often used as signifiers to individuals' sexuality. Men who display signs of femininity, such as Metrosexual men, are often assumed to be gay. Tomboy-ish women who like to watch sports and drink beer are often assumed to be lesbians. These assumptions are especially likely to be made by those with a more limited understanding of gender and sexuality.
After reading about how displays of masculinity and femininity are often misused as identifiers for sexuality, I thought of one of my good friends who is a cisgender straight male that is often misassumed to be gay due to his feminine-leaning tendencies and physical characteristics. I decided to conduct a brief interview with this friend, who I will call Joseph for the sake of anonymity, to discuss his experiences and thoughts regarding the relation of gender and sexuality.
Me: Hi, Joseph. I'm going to be asking you some questions regarding your experiences with gender and sexuality. I am familiar with your experiences being wrongly assumed to be gay and would love for you to tell me more about those experiences.
Joseph: Sure thing. Where would you like to start?
Me: We'll start with gender. Describe your gender identity to me.
Joseph: I identify as a male. I was born a male and identify as one.
Me: Okay, describe yourself in terms of physical appearances of masculinity and femininity.
Joseph: Well I'd say I mostly appear as a "normal" guy, just with some feminine features. Like my hair is really long and that could be described as feminine. I've also been told I have feminine hands and that the way I walk and stand is feminine.
Me: Now describe yourself in terms of personality aspects of masculinity and femininity.
Joseph: I guess I'm feminine in the sense that I tend to value interpersonal relationships, which isn't necessarily a masculine thing. I'm not very aggressive or dominating towards others. I'm pretty willing to talk about my emotions. I tell my guy friends that I love them and hug them. I'm not active or into sports at all. All of those things could be considered feminine. On the masculine side, well, I don't think my personality is very masculine at all. I'm pretty "soft".
Me: Alright, describe your sexual orientation.
Joseph: I'm heterosexual.
Me: What are your experiences with people incorrectly assuming your sexuality?
Joseph: Um, well my family thought I was gay growing up because of some of the things I was interested in. I liked playing with my aunt's jewelry. I also didn't have a girlfriend until around 15 so my mom assumed that meant I was gay. They never explicitly told me that's what they thought, but as I got older I could tell. My close friends never thought I was gay growing up, but people I didn't know as well from school thought I might be. Even more recently, when I've talked about my girlfriend to people at work for the first time, I've had people tell me they thought I was gay.
Me: When did you first experience this?
Joseph: My family probably started making assumptions when I was around 8-10 years old.
Me: Why do you think they made these assumptions?
Joseph: My family is pretty conservative and has limited ideas about what masculinity is or how it does or doesn't relate to sexuality. As for other people that I don't know well, I guess they made those assumptions based on the feminine features I have and display that I mentioned.
Me: To finish up, I'd like to ask what your personal thoughts are on the relation between masculinity/femininity and sexuality.
Joseph: I don't particularly think they're related. I don't think your gender, interests, hobbies, or personality determine your sexuality.
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