Sunday, November 22, 2015

What kind of man is man enough for me?

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be someone's wife.  I always wanted to be married.  On some levels, I think I have equated marriage to happiness.  When I did get married, it was not really what I had dreamed it would be.  My wedding was nice enough, and really went off without a hitch (even though my mother in law did all she could to ruin it).  However, the problems started at the reception and got progressively worse.  I ended up divorcing my husband on our first anniversary, and then remarrying him 10 months after that.  I know, that makes no sense.  I thought I was doing the right thing for my children, but soon, even they were vocal about the need for us to separate and divorce for good.

In recent years, I have wrestled with the idea of marrying again.  I have not given up on finding the great love of my life.  The strange thing is though, that I am so conflicted in what it is that I want in the man with whom I will share the rest of my life.  I want him to be strong and dominant, but still sensitive and compassionate towards others.  I want him to be educated and have a plan for his life and where he wants to go...but I also want him to be flexible and spontaneous.  I want him to be able to comfortably fit in the boardroom and the hood spades tournament.  I want him to love to travel, but be very comfortable staying at home.  I want him to have a life outside of our relationship, but I also want us to be each other's best friend.

Today, I was challenged by a guy who expressed interest in me.  He asked me the question that became the title of this post.  A lot of the things that I want, I have figured out, are connected to masculinity stereotypes that I have held to for what seems like my whole life.  In order to answer the question I have to consider what things are hard and fast rules, which ones am I willing negotiate on and which ones am I willing to let go all together.  My answer is simply, "I don't know."

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